Monday, October 29, 2012

I think I've been mistaking relief for happiness.

I can't be around people any more. My attention span is too short for that. I can't do team sports, I can't socialise, heck, sometimes I struggle to even keep a conversation going. My heart isn't in it. My mind shuts down. My eyes go blank. People ask me why I'm sad. I say I'm not, but I'm such a bad liar anyway that it doesn't matter. So I jog. It clears my mind. Or at least the pounding in the head fills it up with something else. Something mindless, something that doesn't require mental effort. And it drains me physically too, so I am safe from myself for at least a few hours afterwards. But as the weather turns colder, soon it will be impossible to jog, so even this is about to be taken away from me. Another reason for me to hate the cold weather, not that I need any.

I am very frustrated with where I am in life right now. I am frustrated with the lack of depth. I am a vegetable responding to external stimuli. I live in a bubble where everything I do is detached from the world. This must be how it feels to live as a zoo exhibit. I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, and I feel like everything that I do in between doesn't matter, not really. I study economics because I find it interesting, and I can see myself using it in my career in future, but it doesn't excite me. And it seems like nothing does anymore. My ephemeral bouts of happiness are merely moments of relief. I cannot figure out what it is that I'm not doing, or not doing right. I need passion to anchor me to life, and I have no idea where to start looking.

So tell me, what is it that makes you happy? Because it's not working for me. I talk about the future and my career, but who am I to talk about the future when I do not live in the present? On really bad days I just walk around like a zombie. On good days I get away with being irrationally bubbly and conversational. But most days I'm just another negligible student/soldier marching along with no idea what he's doing in life.